The name is Greg. I’m a 48-year-old bisexual white male. I’m a fun-loving social fanatic with a passion for ceramics and anything sticky. On a weekly basis, a night out with the guys can’t come soon enough because frankly, I’m sick of being judged and I’m downright tired of living in fear.
It can’t be all that bad being bi, right? I’m not talking about that! I’m talking about the crippling bout of fear I experience each and every time I cross paths with a macho-man — am I going to be judged, am I going to be attacked?
I get looks of confusion, dismissiveness and sometimes outright disgust by these men. I’m a big boy, I can handle my feelings. But each time I’ve let these meatheads know that eating meat is murder and that their time would be much better spent building brain mass instead of muscle mass, their excessive testosterone levels take over and a simple conversation turns into a physical confrontation.
It’s happened enough for me to conclude that it’s time to turn the tables, it’s time that muscle-shaming should needs to be a thing.
Muscle is Aggression
May I ask you a question? What is it about a Lion and a Gorilla that makes them so deadly? Their muscle, of course. Muscle is raw, powerful and brutish. And for the human species, the amount of it that one purposefully adds to their frame is directly related to how aggressive one might become.
Increased muscular hypertrophy leads to a psychological level of confidence that makes it easier to become aggressive in any situation. Most meatheads were bullied early in life. They sought refuge in the weight room so that they could defend themselves, but it quickly spirals out of control from there.
It’s not just steroids. Certain measures are taken in the gym to increase the rate at which muscle grows. Let’s take creatine for instance. Creatine is like a steroid because it leads to an increase in testosterone levels. This is why every teenager in the gym is a loose cannon outside of the gym. Too many of these children are taking a dangerous drug and they don’t even know it.
There’s also an emphasis on consuming red meats, also high in testosterone, which adds to the problem of aggression.
Muscle is Intimidating
When you see a musclehead, you know they’re either taking steroids, creatine or red meat. They might even be doing all three of those things at the same time! This incites fear in the hearts of those around them, because who knows what will set them off?
A simple suggestion that they should hit the books instead of hitting the gym ignites a fire of rage.
I can tell my mom that she needs to stop drinking without her threatening to “crush your fruity ass into the ground“. Why? Because she’s not in the gym, taking creatine and eating mass amounts of testosterone from a slaughtered animal. She’s a normal, level-headed person with a drinking problem.
Muscle is Insecurity
Insecurity is a strange one. If you’re insecure, you might buy a truck and put a pair of dangling testicles on the back bumper. You might show interest in MMA, or enjoy watching testosterone-ridden shows like Breaking Bad.
Sometimes insecurity is dealt with by putting on unsightly muscle and in the process, becoming the bully that once threatened you at lunch.
As men, we should not have to change ourselves to fit within the confines of a heartless world. We must remain prudent and work to change the world instead! We do this by speaking out and spreading awareness like I’m trying to do right here, this very instant.
Muscle is Intellectual Laziness
Every moment you waste in the gym is a moment you can use to better yourself or those around you. Read a book, help the elderly, actually DO something that benefits someone or something.
The repetitious behavior of picking up heavy objects for an hour or two while staring at an empty, self-serving, soulless reflection is a colossal waste of time, energy and opportunity.
And if you think you’re intelligent enough, you’re dead wrong. There’s always something to learn, read a book once in awhile and build some brain-matter you doofus.
Muscle is Bad for the Environment
Don’t scoff at this because it’s a real scientific concern. The sickening amount of meat and supplements (pre-workout and post-workout) one must consume to build muscle leads to a highly increased rate of flatulence.
Forget the fact that it’s disgusting to be around a meathead who’s constantly farting, forget about all of that. The carbon dioxide and methane they emit are what we need to worry about.
Most people have heard the science that cow flatulence is bad for the environment, but it’s also true in the case of humans, particularly those humans who are muscular.
Like Brian Farley (Molecular and Cell Biology Postdoc, UC Berkeley) stated, “There are two components of flatulence that contribute to global warming: carbon dioxide and methane. Both are produced as a result of gut bacteria metabolizing” and, “As farting habits are almost entirely dependent on diet and the composition of gut bacteria, it’s very difficult to establish what a “standard” fart is like“.
Well, I can tell you Mr. Farley, the gaseous anal secretions of a meathead are capable of stripping rust off an old barbell. The foul odorous excretions coming from the world’s Schwarzeneggers are sure to burst a hole straight through the ozone and out of the exosphere.
What *IS* the Ideal Amount of Muscle?
If you lift weights or perform any type of resistance training, how much muscle did you have before you started? THAT was the ideal amount of muscle for your body.
The moment you step foot into a gym, or into your basement with your father’s old weights, is the moment you’re about to pile on an unnecessary and detrimental amount of muscle.
If you’re still not following me, let me give you an illustration representing the ideal amount of muscle:
Thank you Greg from Portland, OR